Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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