On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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