hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I intend to get homeless drunk
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
