In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I intend to get homeless drunk
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize