went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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