Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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