Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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