Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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