Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
