hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
