Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
