Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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