Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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