Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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