Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize