this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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