i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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