She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
