Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
