So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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