In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
