honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
