i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They have beer where we have blood.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
