What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
