I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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