hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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