you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Randomize
