I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
