Plan B is the new Plan A
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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