i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We talked him into tasing himself.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
