I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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