Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good

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(416): View more from Toronto

You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.

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