During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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