We're facebook friends in real life
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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