Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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