Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
