Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
