You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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