i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
