She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
