dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
