She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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