Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
