are you still at the devil's house?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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