Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
