my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
don't judge my taste in strippers
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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