She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
