I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize