Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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