I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
