the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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