I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
