i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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