i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
