Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
