3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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