i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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