my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
