It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
