Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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