My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
