just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
