Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
