I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
